If you know someone struggling with addiction, you likely know how difficult it can be to talk with them about their habits. It can also be hard to discuss with those around you what is happening with your loved one. You may feel you need to keep all of their business private to shield them from criticism. Bills, responsibilities, and routines may also fall on your plate to handle since they are gripped by addiction. Finding ways to stop enabling an addict can help you find relief from these burdens — and help your loved one find the help they need.
In this blog post, we’ll discuss what enabling an addict is, the signs of an enabler, and how to stop doing it. We’ll also explore what happens when you stop enabling so you can feel prepared to take this step confidently.
What is Enabling in Addiction?
Many people don’t realize they are enabling someone with an addiction because they believe they’re helping. It’s natural to want to provide support to a loved one who’s struggling. However, enabling actually perpetuates the addiction by taking away the negative consequences that should come as a result of using drugs or alcohol.
Enabling can look like many different things. Common signs of an enabler include:
Ignoring the Problem
You might choose to pretend that everything is fine and ignore the issue at hand, possibly due to a sense of denial or fear of the consequences of addressing their addiction. This hesitation to confront the problem can stem from various reasons, such as uncertainty about how to approach the situation or concerns about the individual’s reaction.
Making Excuses
You might make excuses for their frequent absences, continuous tardiness, or declining performance at work or school. It’s common to rationalize these behaviors by attributing them to a challenging period or a temporary phase they are experiencing.
Hiding Their Addiction
You may find yourself attempting to conceal their addiction by hiding their drugs or alcohol in discreet places, covering up for them with lies, or coming up with justifications for their behavior. This behavior might stem from embarrassment, fear of consequences, or a desire to shield them from facing the repercussions of their actions.
Doing Things for Them
You may frequently take on tasks they should handle independently, like calling in sick on their behalf, making excuses for their actions, or even tidying up after them. Often, this behavior stems from a sense of empathy toward them or a desire to shield them from experiencing hardship.
How to Stop Enabling an Addict
Below are six ways you can stop enabling an addict in your life:
1. Set Boundaries with Them
One approach to cease enabling an individual struggling with addiction is by establishing clear boundaries in your interactions with them. These boundaries involve explicitly defining the actions and support you are willing to provide and those you are not. Maintaining consistency in upholding these boundaries, even during challenging moments, enforces a healthy dynamic and encourages positive change.
2. Don’t Make Excuses for Them
Another crucial way to stop enabling an addict is by refraining from making excuses on their behalf. It involves taking responsibility for their actions and supporting them through accountability measures. By setting clear boundaries and encouraging healthy behaviors, you can help them break free from the cycle of addiction.
3. Don’t Hide their Addiction
You need to avoid shielding or concealing their addictive behavior. It is crucial to openly acknowledge and address the addiction issue without downplaying its severity. Furthermore, refraining from justifying or rationalizing their actions can help establish clear boundaries and encourage accountability.
4. Don’t Do Things for Them
Another effective approach to cease enabling an individual struggling with addiction is by refraining from taking on tasks that they should be handling themselves. By encouraging them to assume responsibility for their own life and avoiding actions that enable their dependency, you empower them to develop self-reliance and accountability in their recovery journey.
5. Help Them Get Treatment
A good way to stop enabling an individual struggling with addiction is to actively support them in accessing professional treatment services. This involves motivating them to pursue assistance and providing unwavering emotional support and guidance when they decide to take that crucial step toward seeking help.
6. Take Care of Yourself
You need to prioritize self-care. This involves recognizing and addressing your own needs as a priority. Additionally, it entails establishing a reliable support system to guide you through the challenges you may face during this trying period.
What Happens When You Stop Enabling an Addict?
When you stop enabling an addict, you take the first step towards healthier family involvement in your loved one’s recovery journey. While stopping enabling behaviors isn’t a guaranteed path to recovery for the individual, it often helps them realize the need for change. Although it may initially bring unpleasant feelings, it ultimately leads to real personal growth for all involved.
Increased Accountability
When you stop enabling, the person struggling with addiction begins to face the real-life consequences of their choices. This can be painful to watch, but allowing them to experience these outcomes is essential for growth.
To support this shift, remind yourself that these consequences, like financial strain or broken commitments, are important learning moments that can lead to self-reflection and change. Offer compassion by reminding them that support is available when they’re ready to seek help, but resist the urge to step in and fix things.
Resistance or Pushback
When enabling stops, it’s common for the person to react with anger, guilt, or even attempts to manipulate their way back into old patterns. This response doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing — it’s a natural part of the adjustment.
Prepare yourself emotionally for these reactions, and remind yourself why you set these boundaries. Approach each interaction calmly, and reinforce that while you’re here for them, you’re not willing to support unhealthy behaviors. Being consistent and kind, even in the face of pushback, helps set a steady foundation.
Increased Responsibility
As the person adjusts, they may begin to take on more responsibility for their actions and choices. This is a significant step forward, but it can feel unfamiliar and challenging for them. Encourage small steps, like managing a daily routine or reaching out to supportive people. Let them know that while you’re proud of their efforts, their journey is ultimately their own. Offering gentle encouragement rather than stepping in helps them build confidence in their ability to manage their life independently.
Opportunity for Growth and Change
Without enabling, the person may start to see the full impact of their addiction on their life and others. This clarity often leads them to consider taking positive steps, like joining a support group or seeking treatment. If they express an interest in getting help, offer to assist them in finding resources or connecting with support networks. Be supportive but avoid pushing them before they’re ready, as self-motivation is key. Your encouragement, paired with their willingness, can be a powerful combination for real change.
Stronger Boundaries for the Supporters
Stopping enabling can be a big relief for you, too, as it allows you to set boundaries and regain a sense of balance. This is important for your own mental health and helps prevent feelings of resentment or burnout. Remind yourself that these boundaries are an act of love, both for you and for the person struggling with addiction. If you find it difficult to maintain these boundaries, consider joining a support group or speaking to a counselor, where you can gain support and guidance from others who understand your experience.
How to Recognize the Difference Between Helping and Enabling an Addict
Learning to distinguish between helping and enabling will help you make choices that support your loved one’s long-term recovery, not just their immediate comfort. Here’s how to recognize the difference:
Helping Encourages Independence While Enabling Fosters Dependency
When you help, you encourage your loved one to take steps toward managing their life independently. For example, helping might look like offering resources for treatment or lending an ear when they need to talk. Enabling, however, involves actions that protect them from the consequences of their choices. Covering up for their behavior, providing financial support without accountability, or taking over their responsibilities can allow the addiction to continue unchecked.
Helping Promotes Accountability While Enabling Removes It
In true support, you allow your loved one to face the natural consequences of their actions. This might mean setting boundaries or encouraging them to address their mistakes, even if it’s uncomfortable. Enabling, on the other hand, removes accountability by protecting them from these outcomes, which can make it easier for them to continue harmful behaviors.
Helping Focuses on Long-Term Well-Being While Enabling Meets Immediate Needs
When you’re helping, your focus is on their overall recovery and health, even if that means letting them face hard truths. Enabling usually satisfies short-term needs — like providing money, covering up behavior, or taking over tasks — without addressing the root of the problem. While it may feel helpful in the moment, enabling prevents the person from facing the reality of their situation and the need for change.
Ask Yourself: Am I Making It Easier for Them to Avoid Recovery?
A simple way to determine if you’re helping or enabling is to ask, “Does this action make it easier or harder for them to avoid recovery?” If your support removes obstacles to recovery or shields them from consequences, it may be enabling. By recognizing these patterns, you can make decisions that truly support their journey toward health and independence.
Find Support for Addiction
If you are still unsure how to approach the person you care about regarding their struggles with drugs or alcohol, we can help. At Northpoint Seattle, we offer a variety of addiction resources, including outpatient addiction treatment programs. We also provide several support groups and services to help you through this difficult time. To learn more about our addiction resources, call us at 888.483.6031 today or use our online contact form.